Originally first posted to Fetlife. Here are some of my musings on the newly submissive.
1 – Submission is not a gift.
2 – But the dominant must treat it as if it was as priceless as rubies.
3 – Submission happens by degree. The wise sub will learn her limits to prevent emotional abuse, heartache and abandonment later on down the line. Don’t rush in too hard to fast. Keep your powder dry, however tempting it might be.
4 – Trust is earnt. Respect is earnt. If the sub cannot see that or the seeds of that beginning to form then walk. No matter what is being offered. No matter if he is the Domliest Dom in the world. No matter if he is offering a diamond encrusted collar care of Tiffany’s. This is where being extremely circumspect in the very beginning and really trying hard not to let too strong an emotional bond being formed too soon. A stitch in time…
5 – Comms are vital. The dynamic that establishes itself will vary from couple to couple. But it needs to be regular, open and honest. Tailing off of comms or ‘ghosting’ is frustrating, time wasting and disrespectful. Again keeping ‘one’s powder dry’ WILL prevent the pain. I have a zero tolerance to this now. If you cannot keep up a steady flow of communications then I cut and run. Very quickly.
6 – A Dominant is not the same as a Top. A man can be dominant but only a true example will know the implications of Power Exchange. There are many on here that whilst are not actively seeking to mislead make the big error that because they like to control in the bedroom they are a Dom. Nah, they are ignorant and have really have no understanding of what is actually required of them. They need to educate themselves before they claim that title with all the awesome responsibility that goes with it. The sub needs to learn how to differentiate the two.
7 – Beware any Dom who says ‘you are too vulnerable for a relationship’, ‘you are not ready’. This is especially true if they then follow it up with offers to play. They want all of the goodies but none of the hassle. Whilst the taking and receiving of pain/bondage is symbiotic – quid pro quo -the control they exert in that scene and what they may be getting off on is not being counterbalanced by the taking full responsibility for your emotional welfare which may include ‘being triggered’ through experiences in your past. You may feel very submissive in that space. But out of those feelings of separation or just lack of care; almighty sub drops can happen. Be cautious.
Only you know your mind, your heart, your feelings. Or indeed if you are ready; which you may of course not be. No one has the right to tell you what to do, to think, to feel and how to behave.
Do what I do in these circumstances is to show them the finger and give them the big ‘fuck you’. They are trying yo manipulate you.
Another aspect is one who attempts to deflect or say that you shouldn’t read too much into their fet profile. In the absence of any other data it would be lunacy to ignore what you have in front of you! Judgements are made through pattern of comms, the fet profile, personal recommendation and testimonials and of course listening to your gut. A genuine guy will help you to fill in the blanks and will totally understand your need to keep yourself safe. Plenty of fish in the sea ladies…
8– Following on, beware any Dom that says ‘he always accommodates’ and ‘that is what the community at large do.’ Bollocks it is!! Just because it is a PE relationship it does not mean that we are sub human or lesser than. I always find that the genuine ones will bend over backwards to accommodate your needs and wishes. If it seems like you are doing the running, then perhaps you should run in the opposite direction. The temptation for some Doms to form harems is strong; it’s surely every guys’ wet dream? A wise Dom will know that it will take pretty much all of his energy to form and maintain a PE where the sub is nurtured, supported and kept safe.
9 – Sub frenzy. Doesn’t happen to all new subs but you may well find yourself on the receiving end. Typically there is no set pattern to how long it lasts; from several weeks to several months. It is hard on the new sub for two reasons; 1 – it is a form of second puberty and the ‘need’ to play may well overcome your own natural gut warnings and niggles but 2 – it is especially dangerous as because you are new you will lack the tools that an experienced sub has in order to keep herself emotionally safe. A double whammy really.
It’s at this point in the standard texts that ‘caution is advised’, ‘Don’t rush in and play’. All true. But this good and well meant advice is largely unhelpful when your hormones are raging and you feel like the subbiest sub in the world. There is no answer really to this. Except maybe cultivate friendships with other subs who may perhaps give you insight into how you are feeling.
It will pass.
10 – You are on a fantastic journey of knowledge and self discovery. You will meet the villains. And you will meet some of the most genuine, lovely and awesome people on the planet. Reach out to these people. They are the rubies of Fet.