Welcome to Fetlife! Women, please understand you have just lost your freedom to sexually express yourself!

i_heart_fetlife_200_400x400Huh Ren? You lost ya mind there? FL is crammed with women expressing themsleves sexually.

Oh yes; that is very true. One cannot argue with that. But at what cost?

I would like to draw every females’ attention to the hidden FetLife clause in its TOU which explicitly states;

“By agreeing to these TOU you have irrevocably lost the right to freely express yourself sexually. If you chose to post explicit pictures or video then you WILL be messaged by random dude-bros as their personal fetish dispenser. Hope that’s OK and by the way, did we mention how much we love you?

P.S. Whoops sorry, forgot to add that you can have a cartoon as your avatar and you will still get pestered. HTH!”

I can guarantee that every single woman accepted these terms when they came on here. All of us did. Trouble is; the clause was written in invisible ink.

I wrote a chapter for my book here. It is, as you will see, on the prevalence of rape and internet dating.

The damn piece had been barely up an hour before the first trolling comment happened and then two members of the opposite sex saw the piece pop up in New Writing and decided that the time was ripe to personally message me. One wanting to ‘chat’ the second wanted me to use him as a piece of furniture. Go figure.

We are all familiar with the randomly generated comments that come from the male species towards da wimminiz on here. I expect it. Every fucker does. That is the price we pay for the ability to express our sexuality. But what really boiled my piss was the fact that THIS time the subject of the writing was precisely the behaviour I was warning about. Yet these two fucking dumb asses didn’t even look at the title (I am assuming) before removing one of their wanking-calloused hands off their peen long enough to send a message to me.

Wait wait! I am being dumb. I need to back the fuck up here!

In the writing on rape, I asked the reader to side step the issue of rape culture. That was a dangerous move on my part and for one which I apologise. But unless I stated that; the entire writing would disappear in a poof of its own logic. And now a woman who has been abused has commented and said it was her fault for being abused by a predator; she was blindsided.

Whoa! Stop right there. That’s it; in a nutshell.

We blame ourselves. We say IF I wasn’t more careful on that dark alley/empty carpark/not having the keys in my hand. If, if, if…

In the paragraph above I said;

“We are all familiar with the randomly generated comments that come from the male species towards da wimminiz on here. I expect it. Every fucker does.”

Every fucker does. We have become so blind, so worn down by the constant pestering for sexual favours by the men that we expect it. A price to be paid.

Why do we say, ‘Block and delete’. WHY? Why in the name of all that is holy do we accept that it is OUR problem to deal with the harassment and not society’s problem for allowing a culture which gives it tacit approval to that harassment in the first place?

It’s not acceptable; it never has been. But it IS tolerated.

Do I advocate walking down the street naked? No.

Do I wish that we had a culture which allowed us to do this, unharmed? Hell yes!

But the freedom to post explicit images is no freedom at all if it comes at a personal cost to us. That can be indecent messages, predators, nasty comments. Whatever. I call posting beautiful images an incredibly brave act if that person knows damn well they have to deal with filthy and pornographic messages in the aftermath.

And that’s the paradox. By buying into the concept that we cannot do certain things without the risk of harm from others we are also perpetuating the very culture itself. It is seriously a lose-lose scenario.

This is not victim blaming or shaming. Far from it. But what if we ALL walked down the street naked? What would happen then?

If, if, if…

One thought on “Welcome to Fetlife! Women, please understand you have just lost your freedom to sexually express yourself!

  1. You’re ranting against fundamental traits of human nature: Men are visual creatures, and naturally are attracted to visual content.

    When these men FLATTER you (however imperfect) by reaching out to you after seeing your photos, you are accusing them of harassment only because they are engaging you in a way that does not fit your preferred method of social engagement.

    You are perfectly free to express yourself sexually with images. But you are not perfectly free to dictate to others how they may or may not respond to the artifacts your sexual freedom will produce.

    Tinder solved this problem by hiding all the creeps jerking off to women’s profile photos by not allowing them to match before sending a message. The result? All of these photos of pretty women are still getting ogled by countless men, only the women subject to that ogling are just oblivious to the extent that it’s still happening.


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