Or the post-weaponised Empaths’ eternal struggle.
A bit of background before I expand. The author, H G Tudor (a diagnosed malignant ‘Master’ Narcissist) asserts that all narcissists (Ns) have a fuel matrix. (For fuel read Narcissistic Supply). The size of this matrix depends on the school involved and these are the Lessers, Middles and the Greaters. Usually but not always, each N will have a primary, intimate partner. This is the Intimate Partner Primary Source (IPPS) and is usually one who interacts with the N on a daily basis. In addition, there will be the intimate partner secondary source (IPSS), a few tertiary sources (friends and/or family) plus minions. I want to focus on the role of the IPSS.
I have ‘enjoyed’ the position of both being the IPPS and the IPSS. Recently however, I have shifted more to the position of IPSS. There are good reasons for this. First and foremost, I am simply not free to love. Last year, I did fall in love with a Greater and unfortunately for me, I havn’t yet managed to fall out of love with him. yet. Until that happens, I am not free to let someone else truly in and thus whatever ‘relationship’ I form with others, it will not be an authentic one. The second is that being an IPPS is a trying posiotn to be in. Often, you are subject to devalueations at the hands of the N. It is stress making, anxiety inducing and is frankly a waste of my time when I could be getting on with something more profitable.
For months, I was OK with this. I come and go as I please. I was happy learning about myself and writing. Always writing. After my weaponsisation though, I went through several key psychological steps. These were
Sound familiar? These are of course the stages of the grieving process. Essentially, I had to come to terms with the fact that the way I perceived my own life was in actuality, very different from what had gone on. That I had been subjected to repeated attempts to suck my fuel/energy from many Ns over many years.
As in all stages of the grieving process, you can (and do) flick back between each of these stages. Many, for example, get stuck on stage four and never progress to Acceptance. I think this is where I am now; stage four. In fact, being brutally honest, I am flicking between points three and four. You see, point five is too scary a concept for me to fully embrace.
The reason is simple. Stage five means that I will never be able to love another man again. Sometimes, I think I am there and then it slips away like water through my fingers. Maybe I am being over melodramatic here. What bothers me, a lot, is that perhaps I am not. To correct myself, I will never be able to love again in the way that I wish to love and be loved.
Writing my book, Fuel, Fear and Fury, I take some time to explain that really, the Ns and the Es are far more alike than at first glance. Es are of course, the natural prey for the Ns. Usually, Es are carefully analysed for school, cadre and character traits. Once a match is established in the Ns mind, that’s it; you are theirs. What’s then left is to deploy the seduction hoover. This is usually how it happens. But not always.
Once I began to seriously look into the traits of both Es and Ns, I was stunned by the similarities. far more pulls us together than divides us. Es find the Ns just as desirable as the N finds the Es. It’s hardwired into both of our kinds. This presents a massive problem to my brethren when it comes to settling down with what we might call a decent partner. I’m just not sure how it can be achieved.
As I explained to my therapist, it’s only the Ns I want (minus the abuse of course) because to me, they are the only ones that are fully alive. There is a radiance about them, an aura, a presence that is like catnip to me. There is zero point me stating I am a victim. Even if I never engaged with any man who approached me, rebuffing them all, every single one and I then searched myself; I would still pick them.
And that’s the point. That is why I am at stalemate. I cannot move forward, I cannot move backwards nor side to side. What maybe is required is lateral thinking but for the time being, it’s escaping me. The most I can do if I wish to form intimate partnerships is to keep a very steady grip on emotional attachment and thinking. It’s hard but not impossible. It does require a great deal of self control. I personally, find this a difficult concept and it can also be energetically draining as well.
I’m not really sure what the answer is but what I do know is that it is a consequence of weaponisation. A good one too otherwise I (and others) would be doomed to repeat all of those other failed relationships. I’d far rather be on my own than be subject to some of the horrors I have been in the past.
This year marks the first time in 41 years were I have NOT been abused. I take great comfort from that. I am still young and I naturally want to be in a relationship. Or at least have fun trying.
When I exited a very long term relationship a few years ago, I wanted to be free to love. It seems as if that goal is now even further away then it ever was; if was was ever realistic in the first place.
Or is that just stage four talking?