The Christmas Newsletter from St Renarde the Great

Dear Parishioners

It’s that time of year again why I try to extort from you, I mean ask for money from My Loyal Flock.

I shouldn’t have to say this but I will. If you like what I have written below then please do contribute to a charity.

Mine are; The Angel Assistance Program which helps people who have been abused by narcissists.

And The Samaritans.

Believe me, every little helps. Bless you all for reading my words and following me.

I wish you a very peaceful Solstice/Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Thank you

Ren

x

The Christmas Newsletter of St Renarde the Great

18th December

A week before Christmas and the parish must rally round to provide a fully functioning Anglican carol service. Young girls can be assured that their nylon covered legs will be ogled by the new Curate. 

We have DBS checked him, of course. There was a minor incident where he fell over and his penis became lodged into a male parishioner but I am assured, it was just an accident. #Ibelivehim and of course #metoo

I perceive I have used these ‘hashtags’ correctly.

21st December

The Solstice for our pagan compadres. Bless them and their Heathen ways. We shall sing carols for their souls whilst ogling our new partners in faith; the Coven Phoenix Rising. 

The High Priestess has assured me, I mean has informed me, that there will be nakedness, dancing, fires and booze (plus possibly cannabis). 

I urge my Parishioners to simply observe and not to take part in THESE DEVIL EVENTS! Lest your own very mortal soul be in danger.

I will be around of course to provide a ‘version’ of the Confessional. I will be in the tent marked ‘Jesus’ where I will hear your words. And of course keep them strictly confidential. You have my word as a man of God.

Please bring a condom.

24th December

Nothing. We are all far too busy buying plastic crap that will break and be thrown away in a days’ time and making food for LAZY FUCKING ARSES.

25th December

Our Lord has been born.  Obviously not today as we ripped off, I mean appropriated the 25th as our own from the Romans. I must state very clearly that My Flock must not refer to this date as Saturnalia. That has been expressly forbidden by a recent Papal Bull. 

Be kind to our fellow men (not women, obvs) and be sure to watch Randy, I mean HRH Prince Andrew being paraded like the fatted calf he is in front of the public at Sandringham.

Please do not boo or heckle. The Coven will be doing that so let’s let them take the karmic strain. 

Peace Out.

26th December

Boxing Day! 

Traditionally, this was a time when people collected money for the poor in wooden boxes which then were broken up. Smashed to pieces. Much like this nation’s collective soul right now.

Dear Parishioners, WE are the poor, the needy. Churches do not run themselves and what could be better for people’s mental health than donating large sums of money to get the roof done?

The roof of our church needs repairing, as you know because I haven’t stopped banging on about it in sermons for months now. If we do not have a roof then there is no church! I know Jesus might have said a few things about worshipping in nature or some such tommy rot. But let us remember he was not a Christian! We are!

So, please do put as much as you can afford (not less than £500) in our humble little box. You will be blessed forever. You have my words as a man of God.

To those that say putting money into this decrepit building is a sunk fallacy, I say this:

Fuck. Right. Off. 

31st December

A dark time my friends when our HEATHEN compadres will be holding sway on the psychic energy of the populace. There will be the inevitable talk about ‘New Years Resolutions’

It is to this matter I turn. Come and join us as we hold a candle-lit vigil where we will pray for lots of money to come to the church of St Renarde the Great. 

Again please note that we do not accept donations of less than £500. If you must write a cheque then please make it payable to ‘Charity (for the association of) Sexual Hedonists. C.A.S.H for short. Thank you.

1st January

Happy New Year! Let’s celebrate this occasion by giving Our Church more money.

Goddess bless you and thank you.

Go in peace.

Renarde. (Vicar)

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